Benjamin Gallagher

Queer Orlando Lifestyle Blog

Who: BoyKitsch™

When: December 2019

Where: Parliament House

I identified as a Gay man for the past 18 years. I was a male seeking romantic attention from another male. Fantastical men drew themselves in notebooks and stories kept in the bedroom closet. Their souls marinated in the darkness. img_0403

I forgot about trying to find a “special” someone. The years passed by me in the streets of Orlando, Florida. Like a caterpillar, time crawled and chewed the remaining stalks in the garden. 

“When will I finally be enough for myself?” I said. The question sparked an old idea. I pulled the souls out of the closet.

The pieces glimmered in the sunshine. In time the puzzle became a blueprint of self-confidence. All the men who sought my attention were versions of myself not yet realized.

So why did I become a Go-Go dancer? I wanted to be the object of attraction. People noticed my dancing skills despite the appearance of a depressed individual. It was my garden to escape to, a fantasy no longer impossible to achieve.

Yes, I believed in myself but also the Universe. That energy pushed me to get up on stage in underwear. That presence made a difference in my confidence, not as a sexually-active-man, but as the author of my own story and my own Fantastical Man.

So let’s see what happens in 2020.

Until Next Time,

BoyKitsch™

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Hello World!

Thank you, for entrusting me with the Breath of God. My mistakes still affect the future but fail to escape your recognition.⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

I am trying, again, to consciously change into Benjamin P. Gallagher. Please, hold my hand. Squeeze it to let me know that the Darkness is still at bay. Because the path to your kingdom is still my only destination.

There, I hope to fall apart. To reveal the greatest love ever experienced is a privilege to the Human Soul. Understanding this though does not make me a beautiful person. Because I still feign ignorance and call myself, “Changed.”

I still cause pain to others. And I still experience shame. God, do not save me from the shame. Let me grow from the humiliation of Experience. Not all parts of life will blossom into color. Thank you, though, for letting me live with this heart. I hope to change into the Son you always wanted me to be. 👣👣👣👣

I’m here with you.

❤️ Amen

Benji Gallagher

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Disclaimer: This post contains an element of BDSM. However, the story does not involve anything of sexual nature. Please practice potentially dangerous acts with safe people. Now, enjoy the story! 


When: September 2019

Where: Living Room

Who: BoyKitsch™

He lied beneath me. My body dropped to the Earth. I wanted the sensation of impact. But the Dominant pushed me back into the air with his feet. I settled into the space between the Here and Now. 

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A frozen libido melted over another man’s heels. The organ pulsated my imagination into full bloom. Pollinated thoughts floated through the air. A single potent thought burned a hole through my penis, alighting seeds of old instinct.

And I realized that Time never healed the wound. And out of that wound grew a hole in judgement. I couldn’t decipher reality anymore.

Therapy taught me to stare into the future with both eyes open. So I watched the bedroom ceiling for four hours, praying. Hoping to feel good again broke me, the shards of which tilted into a mountain of self doubt.

And Time left me this way. Lying face-up towards an impending doom, my thoughts thrusted life back into the present.

All this time, I’ve never been Me. I have OCD, FOR REAL. Wounded beliefs affect the whole body, My body. And now, I’m a disease who prays for Hope and Justice from Myself. The Law of Me is empowering. I can be that best version, another related best version, of Me forever.

Or being this person became the only one, after death.

That moment outlived it’s welcome. The thoughts chased me for the past seven months.

Away from the wall I ran through the doctor’s office dressed in heels dragging bottled pills into the wake of a new life.

I am another me made out of unrivaled experiences experienced in the same universe the other me still lying on the floor.

My desire to pull him up weighed against the man’s feet. The Subservient, aka myself, lowered to him. The settling realization of becoming someone new outgrew self doubt.


Thank You, everyone, for reading my blog! Don’t forget to subscribe and leave thoughtful comments.  <3

Until Next Time, 

BoyKitsch™

BoyKitsch™️ earned 200+ views on his Go-go Audition video! Eye on the prize, everyone!  Is he a writer or just THOT Number 3? Maybe both? Did anyone see this coming? Well, maybe the parents did when they noticed the bills piling up.

Honestly, no one is more proud of me than Mom and Dad. They’re the first ones to cheer me on in life. From cradle to the dance floor, wherever I go they follow with free spirits. Growing up, their influence affected me in school, specifically the Elementary years.

“Stop trying to help me,” kids told me. The teachers placed me in a room with two classmates. I assisted mates with homework ranging from math to language arts. No one wanted my help.

“I’m not trying. I am,” the words rolled off my tongue. Now, I take a second to think about that moment when empathy and ego collided. My parents taught me to value other people’s perspectives. But other people couldn’t define empathy for me. Only I knew the difference between “trying” and “helping”.

“Thank you,” the girls said to me after every session. Similarly, I didn’t care if people defined my actions as “attention-seeking” as opposed to being vulnerable when deciding to become a Go-go dancer. So when the views reached 200 I felt not only happy but also fulfilled.


Thank you, everyone, who has been supporting me the past couple of months. Your love reassures my value in coming forth as a Queer individual with mental health challenges. With all my heart, thank you.

Love,

BoyKitsch™️

When: November 2019

Where: Parliament House

Who: Go-go Boy

Last Friday, I auditioned for a Go-go Boy position at Parliament House. Dancing on a box in a pair of Andrew Christian underwear brought a smile to my face. The experience taught me about Confidence. img_9046

Yes, I felt insecure during the audition. My body could represent only the Freedom that the moment possessed. Erratic beats unraveled limbs from the torso. I became a Go-go dancer.

“Let me see that booty hole,” a man shouted. His voice bounced off my ass. I turned around and leaned closer to him. He slipped a five-dollar bill into my underwear.

Men, like everyone else, wanted attention from a sexy Queer Latino. I fulfilled that fantasy because no one else could. No one else could be my kind of sex. Hip thrusts, leg splits, and pecs flexing measured the seconds ticking through the night. Who wanted to touch me?


I’ve been celibate for the past year and two months. The unintentional decision sparked an opportunity to rediscover Desire. I wanted men to see me. I wanted their hands on my body. On my bulge. Their lust made me happy. And I couldn’t ask for a better job.

Thank you, everyone, for reading my blog. Please share it with others. Leave thoughtful comments. I only ever wanted to be this person. Your love and support mean so much to me.

Until next time,

BoyKitsch™

Dear Venus87,

Today, I found your blog post “six rules for the gay gogo boy”. It inspired me to read your other LiveJournal entries. Your frustration sparked old embers inside me. We could have burned a lot of bridges together. So maybe it’s good that we were so far apart.

See, I was angry at the world until this year. Therapy and medication helped me to become a happier person, who just began their adventure as a Go-go dancer. I wanted this opportunity since High School.

I’m twenty-nine years old now, so living out that dream feels fantastic. I am living a life of intentional decisions. However, hearing myself describe this sensation to people is concerning to the Old Me.

Because Old Me wouldn’t have walked in the Pride Parade with his shirt off. He wouldn’t have known how to say “hello” to strangers without feeling remorse. He wanted to be defined without knowing which language to speak first. I am still him but wiser.

Thank you, Venus87 for your advice on Go-go dancing. All I ever want to do is help make people happy. And to get paid. And there’s no shame in that. I hope you found happiness somewhere.

Sincerely,

BoyKitsch™

Disclaimer: This post contains an element of BDSM. However, this story is not necessarily about sex. If you are interested in BDSM then please find someone responsible. Safety first! 


When: September 2019

Where: Orlando

Who: BoyKitsch™

The Dominant placed three ropes on the living room floor. I would look great in a harness. The fantasy sparked excitement inside my chest, unleashing a blue blaze from the pit of desire. I submitted myself to the experience.

“Who wants to be tied up first?” the Dominant said. My arm shot up in the air. Four other people waited behind me. The Universe drew us together out of Orlando. We stood as participants in the BDSM world.

 

 

 

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“Get down,” the Dominant said. “If at any point you feel uncomfortable, tell me. I have a knife here to release you. I’d rather not cut the ropes. But will.” I nodded and kneeled on the purple carpet.

The rope squeezed me, forging a mental barrier between breaths and compulsions. OCD ruled my life until this moment. I withdrew that choice from The Universe. Anything could happen now.


My OCD started at age six. I sat in front of a television set when the first compulsion happened. My lungs needed to explode. This need became essential to the constant human experience of being me. But now that no longer felt true.

Because OCD broke me in the summer of 2016. I watched it shatter my reflection with the click of a finger on the trigger of a gun. Fantastical terrors floated through the pieces. I never saw Benjamin P. Gallagher, again.

Benjamin P. Gallagher, the boy kept safe in his childhood bedroom, no longer existed. Along with him disappeared a thousand other assumptions about my life. Could I still have kids? Am I still a good person? Is this a feeling of empathy or self-actualization? How many other people live inside of me? Who is the real me?

From those thoughts, I sewed together two edges of an untold truth, a version of self came to life. The person absolved me. I was free to explore Desire, again. I found a group of people who watched the Dominant wrap me in rope. I was delivered to the unknown based on the principle of lust. The choice empowered me.

“I wanted this for the longest time,” I said to the Dominant. He rested on the floor. We spent the last hour experimenting with motion. My body pressed against the ropes. I wanted to feel this all the time. Freedom.


Thank you, everyone, for reading my blog! Please leave thoughtful comments and don’t forget to subscribe!

Until next time,

BoyKitsch™

When: August 2019

Where: Orlando

Who: BoyKitsch™

“Try on anything,” David, a slender blonde man said to me. He sat at the vanity brushing mascara onto his eyelashes. I rested on his bed sorting through eyeshadow pallets, searching for one to match my leopard print shirt. Our friendship grew from occasional meetings around Orlando, Florida. Now we shared make-up before heading out to the City Arts gallery. 

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“Just play. Let’s play,” David said and got up to pour me a drink. I carried the pallets over to a dresser where a pair of black Christian Louboutin shoes stood. David handed me a cold pink glass. 

“When did you start wearing heels?” I said, setting the pallets down. 

“A couple of years ago,” David went to the closet and pulled out a pair of silver stilettos. The shoes accented his pants which the late Harriet Lake wore. Both people embodied the creative force of self-expression. Their presence reignited a passion inside me.

Since adolescence, my Anima spirit sought guidance from idols such as Lady Gaga and Alexander McQueen. Their presence inspired me to pursue a Fine Arts degree. But without friends, I misinterpreted anger for love, unable to decipher the lexicon of dreams written by a genius enigma. The only difference between myself back then and now was David. 

“I always wanted to wear heels,” I said and took a sip from the cup. David invited me to try on the Christian Louboutin shoes. The blood red shank drew my hand to the cold patent leather. A single touch reconnected me to the Anima spirit. 


If you enjoyed this post, please share it with a friend! As a Queer writer, I want to know what you like to read about concerning the LGBTQ community. Which LGBTQ topics do you want to read? Leave a comment below.

Until Next Time,

BoyKitsch™

When: October 18, 2019

Where: Discover Downtown

Who: Sunshine Boy

Thank You, David Lawrence Photography for capturing the excitement of Immerse 2019! I’m grateful for the opportunity to expose a happier version of myself. Now, on to the story!


Sunshine

Photo by David Lawrence Photography

“I want to laugh at myself,” I said to David.

“Yeah, you seem like you have a lot of playful energy. And I’m ready for it!” David said and walked me over to the studio. A dozen people looked on to the set. Their eyes twinkled with laughter as the lights flashed. Or so I imagined.

I waited a long time to feel this good about myself. No, let me correct that statement. I worked really hard to feel this good about myself. The storms passed but not without someone there to hold the umbrella. Through rain and shine, God preserved a piece of myself to give back to the world.

I called this person, Sunshine Boy.

“Your photos came out awesome,” Alexis said. The two of us met thirty-minutes-ago while standing in line for David Lawrence. Her enthusiasm reminded me of a Cyndi Lauper song called, “Shine”.

In time, I learned to love myself. Some wounds never healed from the trauma of the summer in 2016. Pulse and OCD shattered my sense of humor. But in time those wounds became a portal to another world. Sunshine Boy lived there without guilt or shame. That’s where I’m headed. Somewhere over the rainbow.


Thank you, everyone, for reading my blog! If you enjoyed this adventure then please hit the “like” button and leave a comment! Don’t forget to subscribe <3

Until next time,

BoyKitsch