Disclaimer: This post contains an element of BDSM. However, this story is not necessarily about sex. If you are interested in BDSM then please find someone responsible. Safety first!
When: September 2019
The Dominant placed three ropes on the living room floor. I would look great in a harness. The fantasy sparked excitement inside my chest, unleashing a blue blaze from the pit of desire. I submitted myself to the experience.
“Who wants to be tied up first?” the Dominant said. My arm shot up in the air. Four other people waited behind me. The Universe drew us together out of Orlando. We stood as participants in the BDSM world.
“Get down,” the Dominant said. “If at any point you feel uncomfortable, tell me. I have a knife here to release you. I’d rather not cut the ropes. But will.” I nodded and kneeled on the purple carpet.
The rope squeezed me, forging a mental barrier between breaths and compulsions. OCD ruled my life until this moment. I withdrew that choice from The Universe. Anything could happen now.
My OCD started at age six. I sat in front of a television set when the first compulsion happened. My lungs needed to explode. This need became essential to the constant human experience of being me. But now that no longer felt true.
Because OCD broke me in the summer of 2016. I watched it shatter my reflection with the click of a finger on the trigger of a gun. Fantastical terrors floated through the pieces. I never saw Benjamin P. Gallagher, again.
Benjamin P. Gallagher, the boy kept safe in his childhood bedroom, no longer existed. Along with him disappeared a thousand other assumptions about my life. Could I still have kids? Am I still a good person? Is this a feeling of empathy or self-actualization? How many other people live inside of me? Who is the real me?
From those thoughts, I sewed together two edges of an untold truth, a version of self came to life. The person absolved me. I was free to explore Desire, again. I found a group of people who watched the Dominant wrap me in rope. I was delivered to the unknown based on the principle of lust. The choice empowered me.
“I wanted this for the longest time,” I said to the Dominant. He rested on the floor. We spent the last hour experimenting with motion. My body pressed against the ropes. I wanted to feel this all the time. Freedom.
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